The year was 1970. Abortions were legal in the state we lived in, however, at that time the law required a board to review requests for one and at least two doctors had to agree it could be done. Women feared going through this process because it took away their privacy, therefore, illegal abortions were still the norm.

My friend, Ann, was single and in her early twenties when she came to me and said that she was pregnant. Her boyfriend was going to college out of state and he wasn't at all interested in having his life disrupted. She was terrified her parents would find out. My doctor, who was a personal friend, examined Ann and confirmed she was pregnant. He agreed to perform the abortion in his office after hours because what we were preparing to do was not legal.

I took Ann to his office on a Friday night. She was very scared, so he asked me if I'd stay with her during the procedure. This wasn't part of the plan, but I had gone this far and I couldn't bring myself to say no. I went into the examining room and stood by the table Ann was on and took her hand. She looked so pathetic lying there under that white sheet with her feet up in the stirrups. I remember she held unto me so tight, she was cutting off the circulation in my hand. In a few minutes I would be grateful for the pain I was feeling in that hand because it gave me something else to try and focus on.

From my position at the head of the table and because of the tented sheet, I coudn't see what was going on and I was grateful for this, too. However, there were flashes of red as he reached for his instruments because her blood was all over his gloves and on the front of his gown. I felt sick to my stomach and I recall praying for it to be over. I kept my eyes on Ann's face and talked to her, trying to keep my mind and hers off what was happening, but from the corner of my eye, I could still see red. The pain in my hand was making me grit my teeth.

Afterwards Ann was taken to his home and put in bed while we waited several hours to be sure nothing went wrong. It was a long night. I was emotionally exhausted by the time I got Ann back to her apartment. It was not over, however, because I took care of her the following week, preparing meals, helping her bathe, and running errands. It was a week of cleaning up blood. A week for me to really begin feeling the impact of what I had participated in.

Ann and I drifted apart soon afterwards and we are no longer friends. At first I was hurt because I had gone through something like this with her and had taken care of her in such intimate ways afterwards, but in others, I was glad I didn't have to look at her anymore. Her shame and mine would be all we'd share in the end.

It's so easy to think there's nothing to an abortion. You just get one and your problems are over. This is far from the truth. In the haste of covering up our behavior and ridding ourselves of the baby we think is going to interfere in our lives, we don't think about all the emotions that will come into play. I didn't have an abortion, my friend did. But I know I was just as affected by it on my level as she was on hers. All these years later, I am still affected by it. I wonder sometimes what Ann goes through, what she's thinking and feeling when she looks at the children she has now. Does she think about that first baby? I think she does. I know I do.

Ann's abortion forever changed me in the way I feel about them. I know I took part in taking a life and this weighs on my soul. At times like now, I still cry. It is so easy to believe there is nothing to it. Unfortunately, one has to go through it to fully understand the wrong of it and the impact of it later. By that time, it's too late. *********************************************************************

From Suki--

Some of the details of my story as still fuzzy. And that bothers me. Because that makes me feel like I really didn't care. Abortion is a horrible thing and I have done such a good job at trying to forget it that now trying to remember it feels like an impossibility.

The following is the truth according to what I remember. I have had four abortions in the past. The first and last are the ones I remember the most. I was 21 years old and had just started my new job in the accounting field. That is where I met my ex-husband. He was the father of all the babies I aborted. I waited a couple of months to have sex with him and never thought of getting pregnant. I didn't think of using protection. Abortion was something that happened to other people, not me. I would never have to deal with this issue. I have always known that Abortion is wrong and I ignored what I was taught and knew.

This is how my first abortion occurred 13 years ago. I was living with my parents. I remember feeling sluggish and not like myself right before I went to the clinic to have my pregnancy test done. I was late but I had always had irregular periods, so I honestly didn't think it was that. So when the results came back positive, I didn't give it a second thought. I did not want the responsibility and wanted a quick fix to my situation. I remember the clinic I went to. It happened so quickly that it seemed like it never happened. Yet, even then I was compelled to admit my abortion to two colleagues of mine. Neither one of them was moved. Their relationship with me didn't change. I recall thinking that it was OK. I didn't cry.

I know that after my first abortion I did not stop to think about what I had really done. I didn't grieve at all. And because of this I repeated it. I know that I didn't give myself time from finding out my test results and making the decision to abort. I can't believe how anyone can forget the details to their abortions. I get nauseous when I have to look at what seems to be a huge gap in my life. I want to know, but its not coming. The details are not there. I have a furious wrath in me about this. I am trusting God to help me get through this. I want closure. I want to feel complete.

I know that there was one abortion when I was working for an entertainment company. I remember looking for an empty room to make the appointment for the abortion and finding it so easy. I remember that I used my insurance to pay for it and that I had to give them the coverage information, so that they could check it before my appointment. When I came out of the room, I remember the CFO was right outside and looked like he had been listening. I remember feeling somewhat embarassed and ashamed. But at the same time not thinking about what he thought but how to have this resolved. I remember the anesthesiologist asked me if I had eaten or drank anything in the last hour, and I told him I had some orange juice. I remember him getting annoyed at my answer and then I was out. I may not remember alot about this but I know I cried.

The last abortion occurred five years ago. I was living in an apartment with my ex-husband and my son. I had just gotten fired for the first time from a restaurant. (The first of four jobs I have been fired from since then, one of them referred to it as getting laid off). It was a very turbulent time. I remember being hurt and having no esteem for myself. I remember crying to my husband about being fired. I felt financially and emotionally not ready. I felt trapped and confused. So when I got pregnant I was so undecided. I felt so out of control. I spoke to my ex-husband and he got so happy about it that he told our neighbors about it. I felt betrayed because I had not decided whether I wanted to keep the baby or not. I completely ignored the fact that my ex-husband wanted the baby and I didn't see the joy in him and the joy in our neighbors eyes. All I saw was doom. I remember using a different clinic. I remember being told that because I was overweight they wanted to use local anesthesia instead of general. At times I feel like I asked for a local just so I would be awake to remember the experience. I remember vaguely hearing the suction noises. Either way I was totally numb to what was happening. But even then I cried. Then it was over.

Unknowingly it was over a year after that that my PASS symptoms started to surface and that's when it began. Tremendous anxiety and panic attacks overcame my body. Depressive periods of unexplained crying spells occurred. I recall wanting to talk about my abortions but not being able to start. And when I did I was all not clear. The words came out all wrong and I couldn't finish it. I was in denial. I now realize the incident that triggered God's attempt to make me deal with my suffering. But I turned to prescribed medication and learned to deal with my "anxieties" (repressed emotions) by numbing myself. Nothing seemed to go right after that. I was fired from all the jobs I held. I got divorced from the man that I aborted the children from. My mom passed away. My dad remarried. My sister and I could never get to be friends and it hurts. My son overwhelmed me. I would feel "stress" at school from the teachers, schoolwork and the other students. Still in denial I focused on anything else to explain my "anxieties".

I am on the road to recovery. I have contacted a support group that helped me to take the first step. I have spoken to my family about the abortions and my experiences after them. I am trying to forgive my ex-husband and move on. I am trying to deal with the feelings I get about the people in my past and now and letting go. But most of all I am trying to forgive myself. I have faith. I know God will help me. When I ask God for answers he gives them to me.

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To The Place Unknown

You could've been someone
And I took that away,
It was the hardest thing I've done
But I have life to play.

You could have been someone,
So where are you today?
Where tunes are played and songs are sung
And time knows no delay.
Where flowers bloom their petals bright
There is no day, there is no night,
No-one hates and no-one fights
And you all glow eternal light.
Do you smile when angels fly?
Do you hear me when I cry?
I know that you have no life to live,
But all I ask is for you to Forgive.
--By Catherine, age 17


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YOU STILL LIVE

I know years ago I was very headstrong
And in God's eyes the decision was wrong.

In "that room" my thoughts were on me,
God readily accepted the soul I set free.

On this earth, I won't see your face,
Though I will one day in that Heavenly place.

It is only through God's loving grace,
That I will see you face-to-face.

I don't know if you were a girl or a boy,
But whoever you are, I'll greet you with joy.

Nothing I could do will change the fact,
To relive that day and bring you back.

Healing with mercy needs a place to start,
Can you forgive me from the depths of your heart?

Though you are not here with me in body
And I hope this doesn't sound too shoddy,

Until we meet when the time is right,
Could you still love me with all your might?

--by Tracey